All relationships will experience some sort of wound or injury. These are inevitable because we humans have emotions, moods, and feelings. However, there are some injuries that happen in relationship that betray the trust and can lead to severe distress and even trauma.
The severity of that betrayal and its effect on us depends largely on our personal values, morals, expectations, past experiences and relationship experiences.
In this blog, I am talking specifically about the betrayal a person experiences in relationship with another that is life-changing, sudden, shocking, and shifts their world upside down. Mega Betrayals. Lies. Falsities. Sometimes these include affairs, out-of-control sexual behavior, compulsive use of pornography, sexting, sex addiction, sex with others, emotional relationships with others, financial spending, drugs, and so much more.
"And...there is hope. There is light at the end of this narrow tunnel."
This list is not static, concrete or all inclusive. Actually, it is quite varied and everyone has their own perspective on personal boundaries and what crosses those boundaries. Sadly, there tends to be a singular commonality that I find in my relationship counseling with betrayal. And that is the sadness and devastation of broken trust.
Discovering a betrayal is the catalyst of sudden shock, anger, confusion, despair, and ultimately grief. You see, all change comes with grief. And when your world has been turned upside down and your life as you knew it no longer is what you thought it was...grief will soon be knocking at your door. And, whew, is this grief difficult because it is the grief of trust gone.
When I am working with relationships that have experienced a trust violation or betrayal they often tell me how lonely they feel. When people discover or are told by their spouse or long-term partner, that the marriage or partnership has had an outside involvement (porn, lover, drugs, escorts) they suddenly find themselves alone. Maybe a friend, colleague or family member might lend a shoulder to cry on (if you're lucky to have someone you can trust that much). Or maybe you have a therapist that can support you. But, most likely, you are in this alone. Alone to pick up the pieces of the shattered life you had. Alone to make important decisions about your future and that of your family. Alone to find yourself and any resemblance of peace you might still have.
"The outcome will depend on the process you take to confront and explore your inner self and the conviction you have to live a life of integrity to yourself and others."
And, just like the stages of grief in losing a loved one, first- you are in shock/denial, next you might be angry and then, the roller coaster of grief, loss, depression...rinse and repeat over and over again.
And...there is hope. There is light at the end of this narrow tunnel.
It has been my experience that when couples decide they will pull together and do the work to change with the shifting relationship, they do succeed. I have seen this in my therapy office.
However, it does take work. And there is no preconceived outcome that you can make happen. The outcome will depend on the process you take to confront and explore your inner self and the conviction you have to live a life of integrity to yourself and others.
Let's explore some of these Stages of Grief and their Tasks so that you can have a clearer idea of what you're experiencing.
Stage 1: The Reality of Loss
It's a hard and cold reality. You no longer are. Your partner no longer is. You are caught in a void of ambiguity, fear, and confusion. You were walking along your life path, working things out, trying to make your life the best possible. And then, wham, you were suddenly pushed off a cliff. You are no longer on that path anymore. Can you get back to it? Maybe. Maybe not. That's something you won't know for a while yet. But what is certain is that path will never ever be the same again.
This is your new reality. This is you. Just you.
The first task in grieving relationship betrayal is to come full face to the reality that your previous experience of the relationship is over.
Stage 2: Experiencing the Pain
This is a tricky one because many people are not taught to experience pain. Socially we are taught by society and our families that pain and grief are issues to get over, tuck away, move on from and forget about. We do not value mourning in our culture. We do not value the loss of productivity because of grief. Instead, we value "strength" which often translates to: "Get over it".
To let yourself experience the pain of the relationship betrayal can feel counter-intuitive. Especially if you have kids, previous traumas, or challenged self-worth.
But, here is the thing...you were wounded. Your wounds are real. Just like a broken leg, when you fell off that cliff your bones fractured. You are in pain. And it will not follow your timeline. Pain has its own timeline.
Many feelings during this time are normal: anger, loneliness, self-loathing, depression, fear, confusion.
"Your grief will grow smaller with time."
The next task in grieving relationship betrayal is to experience the pain of your loss. Recall for yourself the good times and the bad times. Hidden inside your pain is a nugget of you. A core of who you are, your values, your integrity. But the dust must settle for you to meet that part of you covered by pain.
Stage 3: Adjustment To The New Relationship
This means different things to different people and circumstances. That nugget of yourself buried in the pain begins to take shape. With each step you take, you will define and redefine the new you along with your enduring values. The emotions involved in letting go of how things were can be complex and profound. But slowly, you will adjust.
Your task in this phase is to define, attune to, and honor what is real- not what you wish were real.
A therapist can assist you in recognizing your own limitations and accept those of the relationship. From there, you get a choice. You get to choose what's right for you. You always have a choice.
Stage 4: The New Reality Integrated
Welcome to the new you. In this stage you will know that the road you've been down was not one of your choosing but it happened and you have persevered.
Your grief will grow smaller with time. Your memory of the relationship betrayal will never go away. But how you act and the integrity of your steps and actions will stand out more to you in the long run than the pain and confusion you have now. Trust in that. Trust in yourself may very well be your final and lasting task as you manage the stages of grief after relationship betrayal.
Remember that you are not alone when it comes to betrayal grief and relationship healing. Therapist intensives with couples are a great way to get the ball rolling toward healing. Individual therapists are always recommended in tandem with couples counseling to heal betrayal wounds.
I offer 3 hour intensives for betrayal couple counseling with a recommendation of 3 to5 separate sessions. After which couples counseling on an ongoing basis is recommended so long as both parties agree that rebuilding the relationship is a priority.
For couples that separate or divorce, intensive and ongoing counseling is not always recommended. Please consult with the therapist about the best course for you and your relationship.
Angela Jensen-Ramirez, LCSW-S is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and ICEEFT Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist. She has been working with couples for over a decade in her private psychotherapy practice and in couples workshops and teaching.
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