“When you write a story, you edit, you change, you see things that don’t fit. It’s never a perfect story, ever.” Esther Perel
It’s problematic to expect the person that you are in love with, married to, or living with is the one and only that will fulfill your needs. In our culture and our day and age we put so many expectations on our partner that we often set ourselves up for disillusionment.
Expecting that your partner can provide you with everything is unrealistic and can set the stage for deep emotional pain.
Instead, look at your partner choice as a story that you are writing together. Every couple has issues. How you go about looking at and tackling those issues is the process that will lead down the road of happiness or trouble.
Watch the video below as Esther Perel explains why our relationships often feel stressed and constrained.
In my work with couples, I help them to begin to be curious about their partner again. This is not always an easy task. Sometimes, we have to remember that our partner has so much to be curious about. It’s especially difficult when there is a history of hurt or resentment.
Putting on a metaphorical “Sherlock Holmes” hat can be helpful when struggling with curiosity with your partner. Try pretending that you are investigating what they are saying for a news article or report. Listen to their words without judgement and try to see their point of view.
Relationship coaching/counseling can help to create a positive environment to practice this new skills with your partner. A therapist can applaud you in your efforts and help your partner to see the hard work you are trying to do.
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